Captain’s log, Stardate 11503.04

We are all very saddened by de noos of de passing of Ambassador Spock. He wuz a grayt man, and he wuz so impawtant for de explorashun of space. Wifout him, dere be no Pawfleet.

We hab been invited by Starfleet to attend de ambassador’s fyooneral on Vulcan dis Caterday.  All Pawfleet personnel who are able to attend shud assemble on da USS Crusher at 1600ET for da flite to Vulcan.

I rekwested our intelligence officer, Ensign William, to assess any frets we may encounter. His repawt is inklooded below.

Information Report re threat to Spock’s funeral

My Confidential Informers have divulged that just as you suspected, there is skulduggery afoot to scupper Ambassador Spock’s funeral service, but not just a single foul plot … several names and evil methodologies have emerged as possible threats.

There’s the criminal mastermind known only as “The Emperor” who is infamous as an interstellar smuggler of jewels, a high stakes gambler, and who is believed to be involved in the growing and selling of illegal genetically engineered extra strength nip.  Given the name The Emperor by the news media based on several supposed sightings, he is assumed to be a very large penguin.  My sources are, however, convinced of the truth in the contradictory rumours they have heard – that The Emperor is in fact a tiny elderly female ferret with immense strategic planning ability, a vast  appetite for wealth and power, with unsurpassed ruthlessness, and who uses stand-ins to encourage the illusion that she is actually a he, and a penguin to boot. The nature of the threat in this instance appears to be that The Emperor has identified Pawfleet personnel and ships as being ideally suited to work for her as smugglers and nip dealers/shippers.  She knows we would never do this voluntarily, so her plan is to use a variety of mechanical and chemical methods to subdue us at the funeral (such as crinkle balls that explode and release knock-out gas, sticky-string yarn balls to tangle and immobilise us, and the usual assortment of mickey finns in drinks and snacks). Once immobilised, her minions can grab us and using our senior officers as hostages, force the remaining crews to comply with her criminal smuggling activities, using our ships because they can travel throughout the galaxy with no fear of being suspected of anything untoward.

Also mentioned as a potential threat are a gang of ex-con thugs who have collectively done a lot of jail time and who blame Pawfleet for their misfortunes.  They have been overheard recently in a bar discussing getting their revenge by stealing a ship, kitting it out with some serious fire power, and sneaking up to the funeral because they suspect we will be massed there.  Their plan appears simply to take pot shots at us and hope we are all blasted into the Delta Quadrant with them returning home undetected and pleased with themselves.  Although this sounds like a plan at about the same level of sophistication as their previously demonstrated criminal activities, due to the extreme nature of their objective, I will continue to monitor them in case there is anything more to it than just nip-fuelled hot air.

The final threat I’ve been told about involves the legendary mega-glamorous identical twin sister cat-burglars called Venus and Serena McRaffles.  They have been spotted researching information about the late Ambassador’s estate and are believed to be responsible for hacking into his personal records as well, although there is no proof of course.  Since he mentioned the mysterious disappearance of the famous artefact known as “The Star of Vulcan” in his book on Vulcan history (the Star is an ancient manufactured gemstone believed to give its possessor the power of eternal youth), they have speculated that the Ambassador stole it and hid it in his tomb on Vulcan, awaiting his interment, at which time he will be brought back to life.  If they show up at the funeral and manage to gain access to his tomb, then the plan is to steal the artefact for themselves, because they aren’t getting any younger. Clearly we know that Ambassador Spock did no such thing, however, the potential for disruption and sheer mayhem if they tear his tomb apart looking for the Star is significant, especially if they use their typical distraction tactics of setting off small explosions of stink and smoke bombs to gain access or get away after the attempted theft. Although they are non-lethal, their stink bombs are extremely problematic as they contain concentrated skunk spray which is powerful enough to knock out the whole crew and even worse, require many many very very wet baths afterwards.

I do not know whether any of these threats will materialise but I thought that you should have the information to evaluate for yourself.  Should I receive any further intelligence, I will notify you immediately.  In any event, it may be worthwhile to keep these villain’s profiles on file.